Tag: family

Depression and Cognition: A Correlation

Once upon a time, depression was viewed by many as a term used by desperate individuals, who were seeking attention or individuals lacking willpower and coping skills. Flash forward to today and we’re seeing the dangerous effects of untreated depression, such as suicide, murder, drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence and so on.

We all go through some form of sadness from time to time, whether it’s from a job loss, a failed relationship, a sudden death, and even poor family dynamics, however, when that sadness becomes a part of your everyday routine, you know it’s time for a doctor’s visit. Depression affects you in more ways than you would think and it’s absolutely vital to seek help when you notice certain changes before you begin to spiral out of control. Personally, the one symptom that got me to my doctor’s office was my lack of concentration. As a writer, you cannot function without it and I became very suspect that something wasn’t right, right away. Social isolation is also something I experience as I work from home. We know that friendships become scarce the older we get, so imagine working from behind your computer screen, while living alone and you get the perfect case study for depression and the deterioration of one’s cognitive abilities. My short term memory doesn’t exist, brain fog is consistent, focus is almost impossible and the two things I haven’t lost as yet are my sense of humor and wit, which I am almost positive will ultimately make an exit. Cognitive decline is one of the most embarrassing and debilitating thing to happen to anyone, in my opinion, especially due to its social effects such as losing your train of thought in the middle of an interview.

Recently, I was diagnosed with a mild form of depression known as Dysthymia, a persistent depressive disorder (PPD), which now puts everything into perspective. Like major depression, it’s a mood disorder with similar effects. “Diagnosis of dysthymia can be difficult because of the subtle nature of the symptoms and patients can often hide them in social situations, making it challenging for others to detect symptoms.” Sansone, 2009, Dysthymic Disorder: forlorn and overlooked. This disorder isn’t biological, however, just having family members living with depression can put you at risk of developing dysthymia. Research also indicates that this type of disorder is far more chronic than major depression because it can begin in early childhood and go undetected for many years until it manifests into major depression. It makes perfect sense as to why I’ve always felt a deep sadness within me that I couldn’t explain and being the social and charismatic kid that I was, made it impossible for anyone to suspect that I was depressed. As a child, I thought my sadness was the result of not having my parents around, but as I grew older the feelings never left. As a young adult, I spent my early 20’s feeling sad and depressed because everyone around me had their own ideas and opinions about who they wanted me to be. Being emotional as I am, I internalized everything, which eventually lead me to develop suicidal thoughts. The fact that depression and mental health weren’t taken as seriously as it is today, allowed my dysthymia to progress. Fortunately, with therapy, it is possible to regain some sort of normalcy and control in one’s thoughts. Will my poor concentration and memory loss be a thing of my past? I sure hope so because my writing nor 150 LSAT score won’t magically appear.

As I researched this topic, I spoke with several people dealing with some form of depression, who each had one thing in common, an innate fear of being labeled and stigmatized, so no one wanted to speak with me on the record. This alone shows that even though we’ve come a long way with educating society on depression and mental health, we’re still not in the clear and more work needs to be done. If we came together to discuss our experiences with the disorder then maybe people wouldn’t suffer in silence or resort to taking his or her own life. Time and time again we hear about suicide cases, especially amongst celebrities and we’re left baffled as to why because they seemed fine. Well, in most cases we don’t find out until it’s too late.

Depression isn’t a joking matter because it can affect anyone and at any given time, but the key thing to remember is that it’s possible to overcome. Wanting to end your life shouldn’t be your first thought, instead, think about ways to manage your symptoms and coping mechanisms that have been tried and proven to work. I think that a lot of sufferers are those with empty hearts, who feel burdensome by their limited or lack of fulfilling and gratifying relationships. For these sufferers, a simple “hello” or “how are you” can make a huge difference in their mood and energy. We all want to feel valued, loved, and cared for, thus making it important to stay away from abusive relationships and negative people. Negativity in every form is bad for your health and your well-being, and it’s crucial to find a balance if you want to improve your cognitive skills and life. Life is too short not to be happy.

Advertisements

Suicide: What’s the Deal?

From since the beginning of 2017, it seems like there’s a suicide happening every week, as though life is only getting harder to the point where there’s just too little faith in the world. What is it? Many of you may ask, but never really wanting to hear the truth. Well, here it is, some people are simply fed up and unable to cope with demons and bullies alike, so instead of prolonging their hurt, ending his or her life remains as the only remedy to alleviating their pain. As harsh as it may sound, it’s the truth, but we have the power to save a life. Take for instance, 11-year-old Michael Morones of North Carolina, who was bullied so much at school that he decided to end his life. He was found hanging from his bunk bed with a black necktie he had worn to his first violin recital a couple weeks prior. Although Michael survived his suicide attempt, it’s likely that he’d never regain his independence due to his now, vegetative state. This tragedy could’ve been avoided if school officials had intervened or if parents not only taught their kids about “stranger danger,” but also about kindness, responsibility, and bravery in standing up for themselves and others.

According to bullyingstatistics.org, “Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people, resulting in about 4,400 deaths per year. For every suicide among young people, there are at least 100 suicide attempts. Over 14 percent of high school students have considered suicide, and almost 7 percent have attempted it.” And this is just for young people. A total of 34,598 people commit suicide each year, with a daily average of 94. We have reached an era where more people are dying by suicide than they are by homicide. I think it’s wonderful that fewer people are killing each other, but it’s alarming that so many are willing to give it all up. Over 90 percent of suicide victims suffer from depression, whether it’s from bullying, a job loss, poor grades, death of a friend or relative, abuse, emotional pain, chronic illness, loss of hope and many other ways. One problem still remains though; some people do not take depression and bouts of suicidal threats serious enough. Some look at a depressed and suicidal person as an attention seeker, and not the kind where the individual is actually crying out for help. It’s shameful how society treats and views depression and its underlying causes.

Social Media was ablaze when Netflix premiered the show, “13 Reasons Why” because people felt that the show “glamorized suicide.” Well, I highly dissent. This show is merely touching the surface of this soon-to-be epidemic. It showcases how oblivious and disconnected parents could be when it comes to their children’s lives. Bullies and gossip mongers are free to do as they please; torture as many of their peers as they see fit and make life harder for kids, who probably have enough hardships at home. Work and priorities will always remain the same, but it’s not enough that you spend so much time and energy on these priorities, while ignoring your children’s activities. Nowadays, everyone seems to have an opinion on what is right and wrong, but no one knows how to express their opinions in a respectful and considerate manner, and that leads to even more societal issues. Personally, I remember raising myself at different periods of my teenage years because my mom was just too busy. She’d leave for work before I left for school on most days and returned home just around bedtime. So much could’ve happened throughout these “blackout hours” and she wouldn’t have known. The point is too many kids are left raising themselves and adults aren’t proactive enough in their lives, while others place too much emphasis on areas that can easily be worked on.

I once had a college friend, who was so distraught by her grades for that particular semester that suicide seemed like the only answer at the time. She feared her parents would cut her off and quit paying her tuition, so she sat on the banister of the window in her room, gearing up to make her jump. I couldn’t live with the thought of someone dying in my presence, so I made the decision to call campus police in hopes that they’d be better at talking her down. They managed to do just that and off course, she felt a sense of betrayal on my part, but I preferred this type of emotion from her instead of the regret and contempt I would’ve felt towards myself. Furthermore, this is what you do for people you care about, you help in any way you can and you just don’t let anyone senselessly kill him or herself. In that case, along with that victim, you too, will eventually die inside and what good would it be for you, your family, your deceased friend, and his or her family? It’s important to think about life after this person is gone and this is one of the reasons why many states have laws against assisted suicide. I can agree that there are instances where suicide is and should be acceptable such as, cases involving terminal illnesses, where patients have weeks, months or years to live. If one’s pain is too hard to cope with, I don’t see a moral issue with medically assisting the individual, and it should not be frowned upon.

On November 1, 2014, Brittney Maynard, 29, chose to end her life through “assisted suicide,” also known as “death with dignity,” with her family and friends by her side. She was diagnosed with brain cancer and was given 6 months to live, but chose to forgo the pain and suffering she knew would soon become her life. According to ABC News, “[she] suffered increasingly frequent and longer seizures, severe head and neck pain, and stroke-like symptoms. As symptoms grew more severe she chose to abbreviate the dying process by taking the [lethal] aid-in-dying medication she had received months [prior].” This is the exception and it was executed with a great deal of care, unlike the other suicide victims, whose last thoughts are plagued with anger, sadness, resentment, fear, and desperation to leave this world in search of a better place in the afterlife. We are all here for the same reasons, so why not be nice to each other? No two people are alike, so there’s no reason to dislike others because they are different. Parents need to be more available and supportive of their children because your actions (negative or positive) are mirrored and internalized, so be sure it’s one that fosters kindness and empathy.

Please, don’t hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline if you or someone you know is in crisis at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

 

 

Recipe: Spicy Herb Lamb with Saffron Rice

There’s a special feeling you get whenever you’ve managed to concoct a meal with little to no direction. It isn’t celebratory, it’s a “man, I’d love to share this delicious dish with someone else besides my family” kind of feeling. This was how I felt after preparing this recipe and I hope you get the chance to do so.

What you’ll need:

3 lbs. Boneless lamb shoulder

1-2 cups “Par Excellence” Yellow Rice with Saffron

1/2 cup Apple cider vinegar

6 tbsp. Greek yogurt

2 tablespoon Olive oil

Seasonings:

1 tbsp. Turmeric

1 tbsp. Garlic powder

1 tbsp. Cumin

1/2 tsp. Black pepper

1 tbsp. Salt

1 tbsp. Cayenne pepper

Herbs:

1/4 Yellow pepper

6-8 cloves Garlic

1/2 Yellow onion

Cilantro

3 stems chopped Thyme

Parsley

1 stem chopped Rosemary

3 leaves chopped Mint

1 stem chopped Green onions

While attempting to emulate certain traditions of Ramadan, I decided to cook some lamb while still incorporating my love of Spanish rice and so, my intuition lead me straight to this delightful meal. I made sure to cube my boneless lamb shoulder first and then, to really make sure it’s cleaned well, I washed it in some apple cider vinegar laced water. That way, you cut out some of the aftertaste most people complain about. Personally, I’m not fazed by it. Anyway, once you’ve cut and cleaned your meat the next step is to properly season it. I used a combination of turmeric, garlic powder, cumin, black pepper, cayenne pepper, and salt. Once I’ve added the spices, I proceeded to massage it all into the meat making sure to coat each piece. Then I put it aside on the counter to rest for about 10 minutes and after the time was up, I added Greek yogurt and tomato paste to the mix and once again, I made sure to coat every piece of lamb.

When my meat was all seasoned and ready to be added to the pan, I added half teaspoon of olive oil to prevent it from sticking to the bottom, then I went ahead and threw in all of my herbs: yellow peppers, garlic, onions, cilantro, thyme, parsley, rosemary, mint and green onions. I made sure to dice the herbs before putting it into the pan, and then I added my seasoned lamb along with two and a half cups of water. On very low heat, I left it to cook for about an hour and a half, still stirring occasionally. Once it started bubbling, I moved on to the rice, which is relatively very easy to prepare.

Rice:

FullSizeRender

First, I added two and a half cups of water to a medium sized pot on low-medium heat, and then I added one and a half tablespoons of olive oil to the water. I left it to boil for about 10 minutes before adding the rice (this way allows the pot to form a nice coating in order to keep the rice from burning). Once the water comes to a boil, add two or more cups of rice according to the number of people you’re cooking for and remember that you can add more water to the pot as you see fit. Some people like their rice firmer than others, which is why I highly recommend tasting your rice in order to get your desired firmness. I prefer my rice to be a little softer, therefore I taste it often and add water as needed. Tip: if your rice is sill too firm for your liking, cover the pot all the way and let it steam for a few more minutes instead of adding more water. Typically, this rice will be cooked within 35 minutes. Salad choice is all up to you, as for me, I chose spring mix. Dish feeds up to six. Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

History of the Dish-Oil Down

In my last article, I introduced you to the national dish of my birth country, Grenada. This time around, I’m taking the opportunity to give you a little history on where the dish, Oil Down, originated. Never mind that it’s loaded with flavor and nutrition, it has also brought people together and helped to pass on traditions to the young. The origins of the ingredients also show how diverse we are as a people.

Through research, I’ve realized the historical context on the process of making Oil Down. You see, slaves who were brought to the island to work on plantations also brought with them their culture and traditions. This is the typical meaning of the phrase “it takes a village,” and it definitely took a village to come together to create this delicious one-pot meal. Although we have evolved, there are still reminders of what used to be; such as the way people live, the music they create, the costumes they wear during carnivals and the plantations where some of the island’s cocoa and spices are still being harvested. These plantations around the island are commonly referred to as “estates.” In fact, my family still owns theirs. I’ve never visited its location and as far I know it’s being used to grow and harvest crops. My mother has shared her fond memories of spending time there. It’s one of those places that rarely gets talked about because of its historical significance, however, this estate known to my family as “Shadow,” bears little resemblance to slavery. In the mid to late 1800’s, my Scottish side of the family settled in Grenada just as slavery was abolished in 1834, and there my great grandfather met my great grandmother, who had immigrated to the island from St. Lucia. The rest was history.

The same way that the island is considered a melting pot with immigrants from all over, Oil Down too, is a melting pot. As a matter of fact, most of the ingredients used in Oil Down are also imported. With the combination of callaloo or dasheen leaves, which are “indigenous to the Caribbean and were cultivated by Grenada’s earliest Amerindian inhabitants,” green bananas, which were brought in by European settlers from Asia and salted pork tails and nose, which were also imported by European settlers, Oil Down has something for everyone. Back then on the plantations, slaves brought in from West Africa had one thing in common: passion for building their communities, even though life was still so very rough. Making Oil Down was not just a way of nourishment and saving time, but making sure that their neighbors were involved and also being fed. They would each bring something to add to the pot, ensuring that there would be their “piece of the pie,” and because of the sheer quantity of ingredients, no one person could collect it all. In other words, whatever they could salvage from their master’s home was what they brought to add to the pot. Anyway, once they each brought what was needed, they would begin the sometimes tedious process. When the food was cooked, everyone received his or her share and all was well. This tradition stayed in Grenada and became the country’s national dish. On most days, anywhere you go, there’s a high chance of passing by a family’s home and smelling the aroma of an Oil Down in progress. It gets its distinct smell from the mixture of spices along with the flavorful milk of dried coconuts. It’s vastly intoxicating.

According to my cousin and island native, Antonia Frederick, “no two oil downs are the same, everyone adds his or her own touch.” Antonia grew up making the dish with her maternal grandmother, who like everyone else, cooked for the entire family. When asked, most people are open to discussing the bonds and relationships they’ve developed all through cooking Oil Down with their neighbors and grandparents. I too, have very fond memories of cooking Oil Down with my mother and Grandmother, and I will cherish these memories as I plan on passing them on to my future children. In the end, it’s really all about families getting together to enjoy a delicious meal.

Bachelor en Paradise

Finally, I’m all caught up with ABC’s “Bachelor in Paradise,” which makes me feel a little more qualified to talk about this week’s episodes.

If you haven’t seen any of the episodes, I recommend backing away from this blog post like, yesterday. Or continue reading for all the hot dets!

Anyway, I am saddened by Sarah’s departure on Monday night’s episode because I was actually looking forward to “Raniel.” She had a very interesting relation-ish going on with Daniel, the Canadian baconater. He tried so hard to get her to like him and when she did decide to give him a shot, he goes ahead and gives his rose to Haley the twin, who needed to be coerced by her other half, Emily, to lock lips with him. I guess it’s karma. Oh well, Sarah, you’re better off without Daniel.

Moving along…Bret from Andi’s season came on and managed to break up the first couple formed on this season’s “Bachelor in Paradise!” Yes, Izzy was so smitten or I should say “attracted” to Bret that she was willing to forgo her relationship with Vinny. Long story short, she approached Bret and told him that she was insanely attracted to him and wanted to let him know that because she wanted no regrets. Well, I’d say she should’ve thought about that before making it clear to Vinny that they shouldn’t go out with other people.

OMG, Caila is a flight risk, she’s so indecisive! Just before Bret caused the excommunication of Vinny and Izzy, he took Caila out on a double date with Emily and Carl, also from Andi’s season (I think). Anyway, they went on a booze cruise and Caila couldn’t handle it. When Bret first got to “Paradise,” he asked Caila out on the date and with Jared sitting next to her she accepted, but right after she said yes to him, she asked Jared to come have a talk with her. Maybe she finally remembered that she was dating Jared before Bret got there, IDK. Well, they did have the talk and after Jared expressed his anxieties about her going on that date, she told him she’d stay and then minutes later said she wanted to go. Being the supportive boyfriend, Jared assured her that it’s still all up to her to decide on what she wanted to do. After thinking it through on her way to speaking with Bret, Caila decided that she didn’t want to go on the date. The bantering and the convincing was so hard to watch that I felt the confusion going through Bret’s head trying to comprehend what Caila really wanted to do. She went back and forth with Bret for a while until she finally gathered up the strength to accept his date proposal.

Caila girl, get it together!!! That, however was the perfect opportunity for Ashley I. to spend some uninterrupted time with the object of her affection, Jared. Personally, I think they’d make a much better couple than him and Caila. Anyway, the point remains obvious, Caila is indecisive and insecure and she is quite easily mislead. Someone like that needs to be taken with a grain of salt, hence the reason Ashley I. makes a much better and stable (yes, I said it) partner for Jared.

On Tuesday night, Carly and Sir Evan went on a date to purify their union and ward off anything remotely related to negative energy. More than that, they solidified their relationship by telling each other how weirdly strong they both feel. Carly came around full circle because she now sees Evan’s sultry and worthy sides. I’m happy she came around, but it sucks that poor Evan had to get a needle in his arm to make her see that she’s missing out by not letting him in. I can hardly wait to see them progress because I really like Evan, he’s a great guy and I think it’s what Carly needs.

There’s some trouble in the water for Grant and Lace because with the ending of Vinny and Izzy, and the return of Jade and Tanner, who brought a date card to give to the most deserving couple, she’s having second thoughts about their relationship. So, Grant told her that he was in love with her and although she didn’t say it back to him, he knew that she also loved him. Regardless, she’s having cold feet. He was so romantic tonight when he took her on a couples massage retreat. I’d love to go on one…but I digress. Only next episode would bring clarity to their story, let’s stay tuned!

Overall, the show didn’t disappoint because hello, it’s “Bachelor in Paradise,” where the rejects of all “Bachelor [and] Bachelorette” shows go to frolic with each other in an attempt to find love. It’s cliched and cheesy, but you still have to show some “respeck” (as Birdman would say it). I was there from the beginning of the franchise with Alex Michelle, and more than 10 years later I will continue to love and support each contestant. So, there you have it, the most gossip-worthy highlights.

Until next time…

Thanks, Mom

As much as I hate to admit this, it takes a certain kind of man to date and be in a committed relationship with a motherless woman. Yes, we’d hope that you will be there for us as any boyfriend or partner would, however there are a few more things we secretly want from you. Personally, I don’t expect anything more or less from my mate, but the mere fact that he does things without my asking or alluding, makes me feel extra special like my mother would have.

My mother and I had a rare, yet special kind of relationship. I am a product of an ectopic pregnancy and for those of you who are unaware of this birth type, it’s where an egg gets fertilized outside of the uterus and instead, latches itself onto the fallopian tube making it an extremely difficult pregnancy. In most cases, the woman either has an abortion or she simply miscarries, and in other cases, the fetus gets removed surgically. I was lucky! For months my mother endured massive amounts of pain, bleed as though she was menstruating, got tested for pregnancy and even thought it was fibroids or cancer, but she continued to get negative results. None of the nurses or doctors she had seen knew what it was. Eventually, a visiting American doctor performed a blood pregnancy test on her and found out that she was in fact, six months pregnant. Medicine in the 80’s was no where as advanced as it is now and thank God for that! Anyway, her health deteriorated and quickly, too. She became temporarily blind, was in a coma, had issues from water retention and at risk of losing her life as well as her baby’s. Both my grandma and father lamented on possible funeral arrangements because my mom was in such bad shape. Although the doctors initially planned on performing a c-section, they eventually delivered a healthy baby girl, vaginally. As per my mom, I looked like a rabbit. After about two weeks she was out of her coma and visually paired, and when the nurse brought me in to see her, mom had no idea she had given birth to a little pink hairy baby. Long story short, her health progressed and she was able to take me home, but only after she turned down the adoption request from the doctor, who delivered me and saved her life.

I was loved. If there was such a thing as loving your kid too much then my mother would win every award. She cherished me and I think it really had to do with her struggles while being pregnant with me. She was by far the most over-protective, most over-bearing, most strict, most passionate, most emotional, most pathetic parent ever, but she was great! To this day, I strongly believe that my birth played a role in the way I responded to her demands. I was very willful. Yes, she is my mother, however I never understood where and why her passion toward me was so strong, so I became an unwilling participant in her charades. I grew up strong-willed; blame it on her uterus for not opening up to me, but I was defiant and that drove her mad! There were days when my mom and I would battled like we were opposing soldiers and no, I am not proud of that, in fact I wish I could go back in time to change it. With every demand I asked a question, with every question I made a statement, with every statement I gave a response and when I have had enough, I would run out of the backdoor and head straight up the hill to my grandmother’s house. No one understood how and why a three-year-old had so much grown-up qualities and traits. It was for that very same reason, my mom sent me to school at two years old. In the weirdness of it all, I was more well-behaved at school than I was at home, and this continued throughout my life. The battles never stopped because my mom was a militant, partly from her training in the militia in her native country, Grenada, and from her love and dedication as a mother. All of which I did not fully understand until my early to mid twenties. By that time my mother and I had began a mutually respectful mother-daughter relationship.

Although I was testy, I was still treated like her baby and I am, however she never stopped doing the little things she knew would bring a smile to my face. I admit that I was spoiled-rotten! My mom would prepare whatever I wanted, did most of what I had asked of her, and cradled me when I needed her to. Whenever I became ill, she’d treat me like I was her queen, and I loved it! Even after her health started to decline, my mom took the time to prepare dinner, she continued to hug me at nights and often expressed to me that I was the apple of her eyes. The best part of my days was waking up next to her and being greeted by the warmth of her hands on my back. It didn’t matter what time I came home from work or play, my mom waited up for me. I’d simply get into my pajamas and hop on in bed right next to her. I started out my life as a daddy’s girl and ended up a mommy’s girl. My mother was beautiful as the heart she was blessed with. I remember how she loved taking in and caring for other people’s children. Any child who passed by looking frumpy and untidy, she’d take him or her in and would feed, bathe, clothe and put that child to nap until the parent(s) came home (it’s very common to do this in the islands because of their “village” mentality). My mom was loved and revered, some might even say she was a force to be reckoned with. She cared a lot about people and based her life off of charity, a trait passed on from my grandma, and she used her sense of care as a vehicle to enter the nursing field. My mother was the greatest! She made a lot of sacrifices and instilled in me the value and importance of love and charity.

After reading the article, “What It Is Like to Date a Girl Without a Mother” from the Huffington Post, I felt compelled to share my own thoughts on the subject matter. You see, I lost my mom a few years ago to a massive stroke, which was brought on by her complicated medical history. It was the most traumatic time in my life and all of the previous moments where I felt as though life was unkind to me, simply vanished. That dreadful day surpasses every single hardship I have encountered so far. There is nothing more difficult than hearing a doctor say to you, “I’m sorry, but we’ve done everything we could to save her.” Excuse me, “no, you haven’t because she’s dead!” This was my initial reaction, which was followed by my bellowing and the entire 9th floor of the Brookdale Hospital in Brooklyn, stepping out of their rooms and nursing station to find out where the noise was coming from. Anyway, for the duration of that week and the better half of the year, I was tried and tested and all I wanted to do was give up because the closest person to me in this entire world was no longer here. I was alone and without guidance, and my life as I knew it no longer existed. I was hollowed and broken! My coworkers and close friends helped me to see and think straight again.

Many years prior to my world’s end, I met a boy back in college, who left a lasting impact on me and who I was to become. Neither of us was perfect for the other because of our differences in nationality, race, weight and the likes, but we had a connection that was proven and continued to be tested over time. Eventually, we went our separate ways. There was never a dull moment though because whenever I came home on breaks from college, somehow we found a way to get together (we each had a soft spot for the other) then we would go our separate ways again. Not until my mother’s death did we become a couple, a real couple. By the time my mom passed away, we had both matured, had steady jobs and I had started seeing the bigger picture of life after death. So, I made the decision to move on with my solo life. We took a chance and dated for what it’s worth and found out that we have always enjoyed each other’s company, and that was the thing that kept us coming back to each other. Although we still had our issues, like everyone else, we consciously made the decision to continue our courtship. This April marks our 4th anniversary.

I love and care about this man almost as much as I do my parents, which translates to a lot. Either way, we continue to further what we have due to our love, commitment and adoration for each other. Listed are a few things that every guy should consider when he enters into a relationship with a motherless woman.

  1. Do not get into a relationship with her if you are afraid of love or to love because it is all she knows at this point. Regardless of someone’s relationship with their mother before her passing, this person now understands loss and she knows the value of your relationship. She might even appear to be over-bearing, but it is all based on her level of commitment and admiration for you.
  2. She is not in a rush to become a mother because she still needs to reflect on the child she once was and the mother she would like to become one day. When one life ends, usually another begins, however this statement is not one size fits all. Most of us, motherless women, just need time to become a person separate from the one our deceased mothers created.
  3. Be kind and understand that our loss never goes away, no matter how great our strength. I cry and I even talk in my sleep sometimes and often enough, I respond to my partner as if it was my mother lying next to me. Weird, I know, but he has so much of her traits and that to me is incredibly comforting. On many occasions I’ve referred to him as “mom” and thankfully he has a sense of humor to laugh with me about it.
  4. Be generous with your love because unless we’ve told you, you wouldn’t know how close or distant we were with our mothers. Shower us with hugs and cuddles, but not too much because the last thing we want is you thinking we are broken.
  5. The sweet things we do for you is a direct indication of what our mothers were like. As much as we all hate to become them, we do tend to take after her in some ways, so pay extra attention.
  6. We are emotional and passionate beasts because we have had to toughen up and design a singular, more independent life before you came along. It has nothing to do with you, so no need to feel responsible or remotely sorry for our tears once it starts. Just support us and pass the “Kleenex,” thanks!
  7. We expect you to love and cherish your mother as much as possible because how else will you be able to understand us and be able to relate to your own daughter one day. Surreptitiously, although we’re not looking for a mother, we are hoping to conflate with your family. And no, I am not being naive. Be well and continue to love each other in this tumultuous time we are living in.